i'm back at probably the worst time ever!!! i was so so busy with 1. going to japan this summer (huge) 2. moving into a new apartment with the boyf as soon as i got back 3. starting school again YUCKKK!!!!! idk why but i feel so low energy and i haven't even been back to school for very long. maybe it's because my first exams are coming up and i #hate physics but idk i just feel like shiiittt!!! i also think it's weird to be moved out and stuff. i'm kinda sad about it even though it's something i've looked forward to for a long time. i don't really know what to do to make me feel hashtag joyous and awesome again... probably just stay busy and not think about things too hard ;_; at least extracurriculars have been fun, i've become a little more important in the clubs i'm in which is a pretty fun time. i like our little community and i think it's good to have a lot of connections! my cats have also been making me happy. we've got 2 new cats since moving in and i just love watching them exist. i lowkey think cats are in my top 3 things ever. but anyway idk i hope i maybe feel a little normaler and less like i'm walking through molasses every day.
i had a genuinely transcendental life altering experience
seeing the fab four. for those who haven't heard of them,
they're basically THE beatles tribute band. they put on these
huge mashup shows and play beatles songs from several
different eras, literally changing every outfit, guitar, and
even the drum head every time!!! we were sitting far enough
away that their looks were very realistic - i know irl they're
old guys wearing very heavy makeup but let me pretend it's
real ok. they had each beatle's mannerisms down to a science
and i was so impressed by their body language and
personality!! john was very silly and acerbic, george was cute
and reserved, ringo was wiping the windshields in the back,
and paul was wiggling and screaming as always - even playing
left handed!!!!! it was impressive to see them play songs from
sgt pepper's (and other later albums) as the beatles had
stopped playing live at the time they made those songs,
meaning they used crazy tape loops and effects that they
couldn't achieve in person. fortunately we have the technology
for a show like that now - it really shows what it would have
been like if they could have toured past '66. i was absolutely
losing my mind (and voice) by the end of this concert and i
hope i can go again soon!! it's usually really hard for me to
feel truly excited and happy, even when i'm doing things i
enjoy, so it's crazy looking back at this and feeling actual
pure joy!!! like wtf why is my love for these silly old people
overriding my depression......... anyway, here are some pics i
took - they're a little overexposed and crusty but i think
y'all will still be very impressed!
please please me, a hard days night, and help! era (they had
cute hats and tan suits on from the help! movie but i didn't
get a pic of it)
they lowkey got so mclennon
sgt. pepper's
let it be/rooftop concert era!!! paul genuinely had me
pregnant by the end of this likeee
(the title is a spongebob reference btw)
my spring break has not been a break at ALL!!!!! i had a
lot of medical procedures done and it was really unpleasant
and painful but it's over now so yay! but i'm so sad because i
didn't really get to relax at all this week X_X i also feel
obligated to visit all my family when i'm on break so i was
buzzing around trying to talk to everybody even though i just
wanted to go home and bury myself in the dirt. today was the
first genuinely fun day that i had on my break: the bf and i
took a spontaneous day trip and it was really fun. he prefers
having a really rigid schedule (which i understand) but
sometimes it's fun to just say hey... let's go do something!
the best part is that it actually didn't cost me any money
which is Crazy because i usually end up spending $20+ when i'm
hanging out with my friends ;_; it's mostly because there's
nothing to do in the midwest except go to walmart or eat
somewhere. it reminds me of a conversation we had in the car
today about the general disparity between rural america and
literally everywhere else. for example we get food from the
local food bank a lot, and it's often either past the
expiration date by a couple weeks or just generally strange
shit that i would never eat/use. i get donating food that's
close to expiring because it's better than throwing it away,
but those leftovers are usually slop gimmicky products that
don't sell. it's just so amusing to me how poor people have to
eat the weirdest expired bullshit LMAO. i could talk about
midwestern woes for hours on end (don't even get me started on
the carcinogens) but that's for another day. anyway i am NOT
excited to go back to school :| i have actual things i need to
do but my body is so weak and pained. plus i just generally
feel tired and spacey. fortunately i get to spend some more
time with the bf tomorrow before i head back but i also have
to get ready to study for hours on end when i get back....
AHHHHHHH!!! when does it end ;____; my cat is laying in front
of me being cute though so maybe it's all okay
exams this week i actually want to #die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok i've been whining for far too long now but i feel #terrible
and #awful like why is nothing going well for me rn ugh.. i'm
feeling like shit bc of things that are mostly my fault but
i'm frequently recalling the other day when my dad basically
told me not to fumble the bag relationship wise by being
absolutely cray cray bc that's what happened between my him
and my mom LAWLLLL he genuinely said that my bf is too good
for me which was absolutely silly wording but i got what he
was trying to say. like i shouldn't let my cognitive
distortion ruin something that would otherwise be great and
successful? i think? idk i totally agree with him but it's so
hard to not freak out about things because i lowk can't escape
my genetics #ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! anyway enough of that i
guess. i'm currently fending off everything by being super
locked in on studying and palling around which has been really
convenient but also when i come back to the real world it
feels like i'm sisyphus style rolling the boulder up the hill
again. that's where music comes in i suppose. i've been
listening to more shibuya kei which makes me smile :-) i may
be miserable but my scrobbles are #up!!
(P.S. happy lunar new year!)
winter break is officially OVER.... i have become markedly more depressed since coming back to uni but it's #ok because i feel somewhat better when i have a schedule and routine so yay! unfortunately the bf is also doing his lab tech clinicals this semester so he's been super busy lately ;_; they canceled classes on friday because of the cold so i bailed campus on thursday evening and have been home since LOLL ok i actually did have a reason i was going to come back this weekend (helping out at my old high school's speech event!) but im also reveling in it in the meantime hehe. rotting in bed and playing jp uma my beloved
happy new year!!!!! it honestly felt quite unceremonious this year because i didn't have any plans for new years eve until the day of, but it was super fun. the boyf and i got together and went bowling with some friends, then picked up some snacks (and welch's sparkling grape juice, obviously) so we could go home and watch the new episode of fallout together :3 i love hanging out with him no matter the occasion so it was perfect! we've also been playing portal 2 together and we finally beat it today; he hadn't finished it so i was so happy he got to see the ending because it's genuinely so peak. he immediately learned the bassline to want you gone because he's a nerd like that. so cute!! i think the theme for 2026 is being cringe but free. getting back into vocaloid and project diva is so freeing and i just feel like i need more of that joy all of the time. k told me it made him feel so whimsical that i was getting into stuff i liked as a kid and it made me feel so joyous (..i may have inspired him to get back into nascar but that's just a theory)
so i may have had the most unlucky day of my entire life on thursday! my finals were officially over and i was getting all packed up to go home for the break. my roommate and i took a lot of time getting the room ready for our absence and packing up our belongings. the last step of the process is to go get my car so i can load everything up. this is always my least favorite part, because us undergrads pay for a parking pass at a dorm that's a ~10 min bus ride away. i hop on the bus and make it to the parking lot, which is a huge expanse of cars on the very edge of town; aka, the only thing surrounding the area are flat fields. this is especially important because on that day, we were experiencing some of the worst winds EVER. like 45 mph (72 km/h) gusts. it was so hard to walk across the parking lot because of the wind, but i finally made it to my car. i remember thinking to myself "wow, it would really suck if i couldn't get into my car, since i can't get into the nearby dorm buildings for shelter..." and, of course, my car was completely dead. when the battery shits out i'm completely unable to use my key fob, which is my only hope because the key itself doesn't work in any of the doors. similarly, the hood and trunk are both inaccessible, which is great because i have a perfectly good jump pack in my trunk that i could have used to revive it (crying emoji). btw, my car is 25 years old, so a lot of the modern luxuries aren't available to me either... AGHH!! so i was freaking the fuck out, i can't feel my extremities, and i almost slip and bust my ass on ice trying to get at least somewhat closer to the building so i can call somebody. i eventually just board a bus back to the dorm and call my dad, who had to drive through a WHITE OUT BLIZZARD to get to me and basically used a locksmith kit to get my door open. it probably took us 2 hours because my door was frozen shut. thankfully we were able to jump the car and load all my stuff up, but i didn't get home til 8 pm ;_; which was stupid because driving in the dark in sketchy blizzard conditions is very dangerous! but anyway, i made it out alive. it was an awful day for everyone. i think maybe i had used up all my luck earlier in the week on my exams, which i suppose i would prefer...?
IM FINALLY FREE GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm probably gonna go home tomorrow which is #fun and awesome. i get to be there for like a month!! yahoo! unfortunately i should probably do some scholarship and apartment planning stuff over the break but it'll be fun being able to chill out a little bit. i'm honestly scared of being bored because i haven't been able to relax for several months and it feels so wrong doing anything but working and being productive #capitalism! i do have a therapy appointment on friday which i'm looking forward to; i'm supposed to be doing some EMDR but i don't think i'm quite ready to tackle it yet, so I think i'll just ask if we can talk more about cptsd instead. the only thing that's kinda shitty about it is that my therapist is hesitant to make any official diagnoses because of the current administration #yay #fascism but she definitely strongly suggests that i have a lot of stuff lol
urghh.. finals are drawing near... im scared as fuck for my calc exam (again) so i think i'm just gonna have to spend the whole weekend studying... in other news i am so excited about my music page because i found the absolute cutest graphics ever and i got to use them TEHEE!! though unfortunately i get way too deep into it and spend numerous hours editing my site when i really should be doing other things so i burnt a lot of my afternoon doing that u_u; oh well. time enjoyed is never time wasted #truth i have yet to actually put words on the page and now that it's done i literally can't think of anything to write about.. like wtf is the purpose of it then.. anyway i think i'm going to go take a shower because i woke up at 8:30 this morning and forgot that's when they clean our hall's bathroom so i couldn't take a shower :| it pissed me off so bad dude i felt crusty all day!!! i swear i transform into an evil demon when my hair is dirty it's just such a bad feeling AURGHH
i went to the gym for the first time in a while, yahoo!! i've always liked running on the treadmill so i went and did that for about an hour. i alternated between running and walking, and i ended up going for 2 miles in total :-) i hate it when i'm doing it - especially now since i'm just starting back up again - but i feel really proud when i get done. i was mostly inspired by my therapist who told me exercise is a good complement to EMDR; i never thought of this, but i guess running counts as bilateral stimulation and can help you reprocess traumatic memories! super cool. of course it's not a cure-all but combined with the EMDR i'm already doing, i think it'll help a lot. i'm going to try and formulate some tiny new years resolution goals so i can hopefully keep up with it. i feel like new years resolutions are always super lofty, but i think that's a little too overwhelming for me... if i get off track for one day i'll feel like giving up!! i might start off by going to the gym 1x a week to start off. that way i don't have to stress about it as much. super off topic but earlier i found the absolute cutest graphics ever and i have an EVIL idea brewing so i might start that while i do my laundry :3 yay!
yay!!! finals week!!!!! (i have a gun in my hand)
i literally cannot explain how cooked i am for my calc 1 exam
like i think i might have no choice but to switch to business
(joke). anyway thanksgiving break made me feel like SHIT and i
don't even know why. it's just such a bad place for a break
because there's always exams right after and i can't focus on
studying if i'm at home hanging out with my cat... like wtf...
i also think i'm getting too used to my antidepressant dose so
i have been #contemplating some things.. some of which are not
so good but #weball. i think i might ask if i can get my dose
upped or something #wellbutrinwarrior
but yay i've finally been able to sit down and update my
site!! i gave the home page a much needed refresh and revamped
my journal page so that (hopefully) i can keep updating it
more frequently. with uni i am so fucking busy but i feel like
having an outlet is really helpful i just literally never
think to use it which is dumb. me when my academically
challenging major is academically challenging
#AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
oh also i have a job in a research lab now which is super
cool. i always just tell people i'm curing malaria (in jest)
but in reality we're looking into some possible dna
replication mechanisms of falciparum plasmodia to see if it
might be a good drug development target. i mostly do pcr and
run gels and make lb media but it's pretty fun :P anyway i
feel awful so i think im gonna shower and maybe lay on the
floor for some time
i have been working so much that it's not even funny!!! i got a summer job at the bank and oh my god it's a lot more exhausting than i thought it would be. i enjoy some parts of it, but a lot of the time it's so monotonous that it just makes me frustrated and super drained. i mean, it's generally been kinda fun though. just something different for me to do instead of sitting at home waiting for the fall semester to start. unfortunately, work has consumed so much of my life that i don't have much else to talk about here ;_; i had my graduation party this past sunday and it was pretty fun! there were some parts that were mildly upsetting but it was a pretty good turnout and i think the decorations were super cute! other than that i guess i'm just waiting for vacation to roll around x_x i hope i can be a little more active on the site even though i'll be pretty busy!
Tokyo is the capital of Japan.
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